In Your Heart There's A Spark That Just Screams

I've always liked Valentine's Day, but it's definitely a tough day if you're single. Instead of being bitter about the holiday, I decided to celebrate this year by being my own date. I had a really great time. I planned it all out earlier in the week, so I was actually looking forward to it!

This is really the first time that I've been single since I was fifteen. I've been in two long-term relationships, and I really enjoy being in a committed relationship. I like having someone who wants to hang out all the time, someone to talk to about anything, and someone to do life with. So, this single life has been strange, but I've actually been enjoying it thus far. It's nice to get to know myself, and figure things out alone, spend a lot of time with great friends, and get a chance to work on that sense of gratitude and self love that was in need of attention. I feel like it's really important to focus on ourselves sometimes. A relationship will suffer if one or both parties are coming into it expecting to be completed by the other. So right now I'm focusing on making myself whole, and I feel really great about being alone. That being said, I decided to go on a solo date with myself!

The day before Valentine's my brothers and I drove to Ithaca to see Jeff Mangum play with The Music Tapes and Tall Firs. I bought the tickets months ago, and gave them to my brothers as Christmas gifts, so the anticipation had been building for a while! 

It was more than I could have ever imagined. It was nice just spending quality time with my best friends and having great conversation. Then we got to see Jeff Mangum. He was incredible. I can't even put into words how wonderful it was to see and hear him play. Everyone was singing along and it felt like there was respect and gratitude just hanging in the air of the State Theatre. I was in awe of his talent and courage, and felt so lucky to be given the opportunity to see him. When he played my favorite of his songs, (Two Headed Boy Pt. 2) I was overcome by emotion and spent the rest of the song unsuccessfully holding back tears. So far, I still can't listen to it without tearing up. Seeing Jeff Mangum was probably my favorite concert experience that I've ever had. Since there was no photographing/recording allowed, my brother Josh drew his recollection of him. It's perfect.

On Valentine's Day I did a bunch of my favorite things to treat myself (and all the purchases I made were kept local too - score!). I started off by getting myself sesame chocolate bark and the cutest stuffed dino from Hedonist. 

Then I went to take these outfit photos. It was a little frustrating because it was raining and I had to use a tripod, but I powered through, and ended up having a good time with the challenge of self-portraits. I am so happy I got to document this special day. 

Next I went to my favorite Rochester restaurant, Open Face, to have my favorite soft brie and pear sandwich, pickled beets, and a hot rose matcha.

 After that, I went to my favorite theatre, The Little, to see the live action and animated Oscar nominated shorts. They were really great, as always.

 My favorite live action short was Henry, which had me fighting back tears, and my favorite animated short was Paperman, which made me smile the whole way through. It's actually nice to go to the movies alone. I think I'll make it a more regular thing. 

This Valentine's Day was really wonderful. I'm glad I chose to celebrate rather than be cynical.

Skirt: Forever 21

Top: H&M

Tights: Target

Shoes: Vintage, thrifted

Bow: Belle and Whistle

Coat: H&M

Umbrella: Thrifted

Stuffed Dino: Charging Hearts

The Seasons Have Changed From The Present To Past

This morning I had one of those grounding moments. 

It was the kind of moment when you realize that something, that has overwhelmed your thoughts and drained your energy for months on end, is finally no longer doing so. We are all faced with those situations that seem to grab hold of us and shake our foundations. We can either let them crumble or build them stronger, but either way, they are shaken. So the mending becomes a process of indefinite length. Sometimes this process seems never-ending, but we persist. Until, to our surprise, it's over as quickly as it began. This morning I finally felt that no longer was my particular situation happening to me, but rather it was something that had happened to me. I no longer feel consumed by a seemingly repetitive cycle of thought. It just is. I just am. I feel at peace with this struggle. I feel at peace with the idea of struggle in general. It seems like a simple concept, but just getting to the place of realizing that there will always be struggle throughout this journey, makes me feel prepared for future encounters. It is also important to note that although we will never have power over the actions of others, we will always have power over our mindset. We control our own perception, actions, and reactions, and just knowing that is a huge comfort to me. 

It is so easy for us to default to looking back at the past or toward the future to "find happiness". For a long time, I always thought that it was something you had to find, and now I realize that it's something you must create. The whole idea that happiness is not a destination, but a way of travel, has given me a lot of pause lately. Until recently, I was the biggest offender of trying to pursue happiness. It always felt just out of reach. I thought that if I just finished school, or if I just got a new job, or if I just moved to a different state, etc., that then I could start living the way I had always hoped, and then I would reach this ultimate fulfillment. Even writing this now, it seems like such a strange concept. I think as humans, we have a hard time focusing on the present. It's understandable. The future holds the unknown. It is exciting. It is scary. It is forgiving. It is anything we want it to be. The present is an acquired taste. It takes a while to decide that, "Hey, it's not so bad" and, "maybe I'll get that next time", but really the present is the best tasting thing that life offers (just not everyone realizes it). The future is an old favorite. It's the flavor you order because you know you like it, so why would you get anything else? I think the past is more one of those things on the menu that if it's gone, you're definitely not going to get anything else in place of it. That's the only one you like. It's so familiar, predictable, preserved. This is a strange analogy, but it definitely makes sense to me, and it's nice to think about as ice cream flavors or something. 

Anyway, for me, I've been trying to focus on the present. It's always easier to go back to that familiar future focus, but I've been pushing myself to find the beauty in the here and now. That's all we have anyway, so why not dive in? The trick is that the beauty is always there, but sometimes you have to use all your energy to seek it out, and other times it is undeniably surrounding you. Sometimes we get so used to it staring us in the face, that we forget we must make an effort to find it when it's not. Personally, I've adjusted my way of thinking from, "When I'm out of school I'll have so much fun" to, "this weekend is going to make this entire week awesome". Instead of looking four months out, I'm only looking four days ahead. I still have a ways to go, but I'm making progress. It's a constant perspective shift, and I often find myself slowing down and reevaluating.

I am striving for gratitude. 

Gratitude for this world, and this day, and this moment, and my reality, and my friends, and my family, and myself, and my talents, and the talents of my friends and family, and my body, and my senses, and my feelings, and the ability to work toward what I want for myself. I will never stop reaching for it, and as long as I don't lose focus, that is what matters.

*This actually happened on February 3rd, after a grounding talk with my brother Ben. I've been having a lot of conversations with my family lately, that have brought me a greater sense of clarity, and for them I am thankful.

**All photos taken by me in 2010 and 2011. All quotes from the book I'm currently reading: Attitudes of Gratitude by M.J. Ryan.

So Goes Another Winter Slowly, Hands In The Pockets Of My Coat

Well, before we get on to the next holiday, I'm going to reflect on Christmas first, and I feel pretty okay with that. I had a really great holiday season this year spent with wonderful family. The photos below were taken on a very cold day during the one week of the year that I will wear red and green together. 

My mom suggested that I spend my holidays doing things that aren't traditional to make sure that I didn't get too wrapped up in sad feelings. So, that's exactly what I did! 

We had a family Christmas party this year with my grandparents, who usually spend the holiday in Colorado. There were lots of homemade, heartfelt gifts shared (the best kind). On Christmas Eve, my big brother came to spend the night with me at our dad's house, and we watched Moonrise Kingdom together.

 I got up and got ready, put on a fresh pair of pajamas, and left to spend the morning at our Mom's with our little brother, mom, grandma, and her dog Emily. We listened to the White Stripes, because we were both sick of Christmas music, and had a beautiful drive out to the country. My mom had a great brunch spread and too much candy to enjoy while we were silly and exchanged gifts. It's nice to spend time with my grandma. I always wish I saw her more often. 

After that, us siblings were off to go spend Christmas evening at our dad's house. We listened to Neutral Milk Hotel, stopped at Canandaigua Lake to admire her beauty along the way, and ate Harry & David pears in the car (which is really difficult/messy, but worth it). 

We got really wonderful gifts from our stepmom Linda and our dad. I got a pair of beautiful Frye boots! Eep! Then we had a wonderful dinner and shared music with each other. We went to see This Is 40 later that evening, and were all exhausted after that. It was a really special holiday spent with truly wonderful people.

Dress: Modcloth
Cardigan: H&M
Tights: Target
Coat: H&M
Shoes: Vintage, Etsy
Hair Bow: Belle & Whistle
Pin: Cecelia Hayes

Also, I bought this dress because it reminded me of the first couch I've ever owned. Totally not the first time I've bought clothing that reminded me of couches from my past either.

All outfit photos taken by my rad brother Josh. All other photos taken by me on my iPhone, (except the one of my old couch).

Come Down From The Mountain, You Have Been Gone Too Long

My vacation to Colorado a couple weeks ago was the perfect change of scenery. It was really more than I could have hoped for. It was a full circle journey that gave me the recharge I needed to welcome 2013 with open arms and a fresh perspective.

I'll start off with some background information on my Colorado connection: After going to high school (in Upstate New York), I went immediately out to college in Colorado. I only looked at schools out there, and after visiting my grandparents there every summer, it seemed like the logical choice. I knew I loved Colorado, but wasn't prepared for the side effects of a swift move across the country from my family, and across the state from my grandparents.

To put it bluntly: it was really isolating, and I was painfully shy, which is not the best combination. I had a hard time meeting people, was trying to maintain a doomed long-distance relationship with my high school boyfriend, and was dealing with a major case of depression. I was not a partier and felt really uncomfortable at typical rowdy college parties, which seemed to be the only thing anyone wanted to do. I felt out of place everywhere I tried to be social, and got my first taste of what it's like to have an awful roommate. At the first sign of the weekend I was off, driving 6 hours to see my boyfriend who was so busy establishing his new life as a ski bum/lift op, that he became increasingly disinterested in spending his time with me. I was too blinded by my situation and low self-esteem to realize how he/we had changed. At least I had enough self-respect to give him an ultimatum as to whether he wanted to be with me or not. So, that was that. I went through my first break-up, and after a couple weeks into my second semester, decided to call it quits at Fort Lewis and move back home. I was at a low point in my life. I felt like a failure, and I never considered myself done with Colorado. I still loved it, and even after I left, I had convinced myself I would return in the Fall. Of course I didn't, but I never felt like I had closed the door that I rushed through four years ago. 

Returning to this beautiful state, that I think of as home, really allowed me to finally feel a sense of closure and self-improvement. I've realized that I've made huge strides from the clueless, shy, naive 18 year old girl that I was when I lived there. It all hit me when I went to visit a friend, that I made when I was fifteen, who recently moved out there. I took a drive down from the mountains to Silverthorne, and realize as soon as I got off I-70, that this was the town that I frequented often when I would drive away for the weekend. I immediately recognized where I was and found my way to the Natural Grocers store where I had my first kombucha. This may sound strange, but once I parked I was overcome with emotion and nearly cried, right there, in the Natural Grocers parking lot. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I had always associated bad memories with my few short months in Colorful Colorado. Yet I knew where I was going without looking it up, which confirmed that this beautiful state is my home, and here I was recalling a nice memory from an extremely rough time in my life, and in that moment I started to realize my growth since I moved away.

After getting a kombucha, I met my sweet friend Mark for coffee drinks and a walk along a frozen lake, accompanied by a beautiful sunset. 

We talked about happiness and our growth as people, and how far we've come since our low points, and it was really nice. It's refreshing to be able to have a candid, heartfelt conversation with someone who is open-minded and willing to listen. Someone you don't feel at all silly/self-concious around when speaking your inner truth. Having this conversation really made me see my personal development with clear eyes. In these situations we can't help but recognize the progress we've made as people. I have improved in countless ways since I last visited this place, that even I can hardly recognize myself.

I am now aware of what makes me tick.

I know what I love. I know what I want to sink all of my free time into. I know that I still don't like rowdy college parties, but rather more intimate get togethers with close friends and good conversation. I know what kind of people I want to surround myself with. I know what kind of partner I deserve. I know how to open up to my friends and family. I am more self-confident. I am more positive. I am more happy. I know how to recognize when I'm not, and I know what I can do to come out of it. I am working on becoming less closed off from people. Blogging honestly and writing music have been a means to being a more open person, and more willing to share the things that are important to me. I am no longer running from struggle. Instead I am facing it head on and growing in spite of it. This has been the thing that has saved me and set me free. This new mindset and perspective has helped me feel at peace, not only at this moment, but about the past, and looking toward the future.

I am changing. I am learning. I am growing. 

And most importantly: 

My excitement for endeavors and exploration has become so loud, I can hardly hear my fears.

How Strange It Is To Be Anything At All

Sunday I spent all day traveling from New York to Colorado for a little vacation and change of scenery. It was a beautifully sunny day, everything went smoothly, I started reading this book (Further Along The Road Less Traveled) and it helped me feel really in tune with myself and this incredible world. I wrote the following while I was in en route in the sky.  

It's amazing that I've been in a plane most of the day, but I feel more grounded in the sky, surrounded by strangers, than I did on land. There's something about staring out a plane window, and watching the people and the cities that surround them become smaller by the second. I keep watching the cars, and can't help but think of them being filled with different people, each on a separate mission, unaware of each other's goals/struggles/missions. Pretty soon I scan the narrow road lines for cars, and they're no longer visible. I can now see which way the wind blows across the fields, and the farms that belong to those fields, only indicated by darker smears, going all in the same direction. I see long, moving shadows that belong to windmills in a row. Pretty soon I can no longer see the farms, or the windmills. The earth becomes a patchwork quilt, covered in veins, puckered up where the land rises. 

I feel very small and truly humbled by this world, this life. I feel a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a long time. I feel overwhelmed by how wonderful everything is in my life at this very moment. I've actually been teary-eyed for the last ten minutes on a plane. Teary-eyed in the best way possible, where it's difficult to feel embarrassed over the somewhat public display of emotion. I guess they would best be described as tears of gratitude, which are absolutely the best kind. I am just stunned at the personal epiphanies and spiritual growth I've made this year. I chose to let this season of my life strengthen me rather than letting it destroy me. This year has been full of learning, healing, and joy. I am so grateful for the family that I was born into and the friends I've made along this curious, challenging, incredible journey. I feel so lucky to be a part of their lives and elated that they are in mine. It makes me so proud to see all of the things that these talented people have made and shared. It makes my heart happy to feel such encouragement from people that I so greatly admire. 

2012 has brought sobering struggles, beautiful friendships, and an enormous spiritual awakening. I am so looking forward to this new year with new endeavors, continuing friendships, embracing family, and finding happiness in each new day that the universe grants me. 

So long 2012, you were difficult but forced me to grow, and in your own strange way, you were a good one.

Wind On The Fields, Blowin' Your Hair

These photos were taken almost a month ago when the last few autumn leaves were still clinging to the trees. I always hate to say goodbye to autumn.

The vibrant leaves are long gone now, but I'm ready for the holiday season to begin. My favorite Christmas music is the collection of Sufjan Stevens' Songs for Christmas. I'm pretty anxious to listen to that on a pretty, snowy commute.

Things have been going really well lately. I had a great weekend with sweet friends. I've been keeping busy with fun activities. ALSO, I only have two weeks left to this semester. It feels surreal and exciting. I just need to power through a few more long nights of studying - I've almost made it!

Dress: Target

Cardigan: H&M

Tights: TJ Maxx

Boots: Vintage, Etsy

All of these photos were taken by my little brother, Josh. I'm a huge fan of his photography, and it's wonderful to keep seeing his improvement.

Keep The Wind At Your Back, And The Sun On Your Face

The past few months have been a whirlwind of events and emotions.

I've been thinking about how to write this post for a while. I'm not one for getting really personal on the internet (or in my real life), but I feel like it's something I need to do and I think I'm finally ready.

So, here it goes...

I was blindsided by a breakup mid-September, and the dust is just finally starting to settle. It's hard to describe all of the feelings that go along with receiving that news. It was not mutual, and was full of vague explanation, hurt, and dishonesty. I'm not going to get into it, but it was very unpleasant to say the least. 

This means that I had a hasty move back home, and am now living with my dad and stepmom. It also means I was on the verge of quitting school, but got reeled back in from that slippery slope by my sweet dad. Basically, completely uprooting and removing all sense of comfort/normalcy from my life.

My purpose of this post is by no means to gripe about all of the things that have gone wrong in my life, but rather express gratitude toward all of the wonderful things that have come from this unfortunate situation. 

First and foremost: the tremendous love and support I have gotten from my friends and family. 

Without even having to ask, everyone rushed to be by my side. They were there to: help me pack and move, listen, call to check on me, drive me to school, bring me snacks, make a space for me in their home, invite me to hang out, text me encouraging thoughts, let me cry, make me food, talk on the phone, let me crash on their couch, and make me feel loved. I can't even begin to thank them for everything and am eternally grateful. I have so much love for all the wonderful people in my life.

I have never been the type of person to completely open up to my friends (or anyone else for that matter), but this situation forced me to do just that. What a revelation. The more I opened up to people and let them know I was having a tough time, the more responsive everyone was. I forget that sometimes. People are always willing to help, but you have to be willing to ask.

Second: shifting my focus toward the positive. 

One of my biggest downfalls was how pessimistic I could get. Since everything has happened, I've made a huge effort to focus on simple joys. I have the decision - every minute. I can either get caught up in everything that's going wrong, or I can make the conscious effort to find happiness throughout the day. I'm proud to say that I am keeping on the sunny side. It's a constant choice, and while I admit some days it's more of a struggle than others, I have been keeping the wind at my back more often than not. It will always need constant attention, but I'm so ready to make this change. I've already taken strides to letting the happy person inside of me come out. I've started keeping a positivity journal, which has been really, really great. I've been making an effort to wear outfits and listen to records that make me feel good, and I've also found a lot of inspirational quotes on Pinterest. I'm trying, like I've never tried at anything, to be the best me I can be. It has really been life changing.

Third: realizing the strength within me.

It was surreal. Once I discovered the truth and finally stopped relentlessly blaming myself for everything, I had something just click in my brain. A switch that was there all along, and finally got triggered. All the sudden I became this woman who knew exactly what to say, how to be treated, and was filled with clarity and self-respect like I had never known. I realize that I haven't deserved the things that I've had to go through, but I've been facing them head-on, and am becoming better for it. It's like I've been wading through this swamp, which is just the shittiest swamp, but I've learned to appreciate the beauty in it anyway, and once I reach the other side I will be everything that I'm trying to be. 

Fourth: being inspired to create.

I had written a few songs over the years, but it would always take me so long to finish anything. Lately I've been cranking out the ideas. It's proved to be a wonderful coping mechanism. I've had a lot of encouragement from my brother, who has also started teaching me to play guitar. It's been a lot of fun. With this new found me, I'm ready to stop being such a chicken and actually share my music with the internet as soon as it's finished and recorded. I went to see Sharon Van Etten play in Buffalo last weekend and it was exactly what I needed. She is just incredible and a huge inspiration. Yesterday I started to get back into the swing of my photography, which feels great after an unexpected hiatus. I also knit a hat with encouragement from my grandma, with plans to start a new knitting project soon. Having creative endeavors to fall into is always so wonderful.

In short, I have so much to be thankful for right now it's unbelievable.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me along this journey.