So Goes Another Winter Slowly, Hands In The Pockets Of My Coat

Well, before we get on to the next holiday, I'm going to reflect on Christmas first, and I feel pretty okay with that. I had a really great holiday season this year spent with wonderful family. The photos below were taken on a very cold day during the one week of the year that I will wear red and green together. 

My mom suggested that I spend my holidays doing things that aren't traditional to make sure that I didn't get too wrapped up in sad feelings. So, that's exactly what I did! 

We had a family Christmas party this year with my grandparents, who usually spend the holiday in Colorado. There were lots of homemade, heartfelt gifts shared (the best kind). On Christmas Eve, my big brother came to spend the night with me at our dad's house, and we watched Moonrise Kingdom together.

 I got up and got ready, put on a fresh pair of pajamas, and left to spend the morning at our Mom's with our little brother, mom, grandma, and her dog Emily. We listened to the White Stripes, because we were both sick of Christmas music, and had a beautiful drive out to the country. My mom had a great brunch spread and too much candy to enjoy while we were silly and exchanged gifts. It's nice to spend time with my grandma. I always wish I saw her more often. 

After that, us siblings were off to go spend Christmas evening at our dad's house. We listened to Neutral Milk Hotel, stopped at Canandaigua Lake to admire her beauty along the way, and ate Harry & David pears in the car (which is really difficult/messy, but worth it). 

We got really wonderful gifts from our stepmom Linda and our dad. I got a pair of beautiful Frye boots! Eep! Then we had a wonderful dinner and shared music with each other. We went to see This Is 40 later that evening, and were all exhausted after that. It was a really special holiday spent with truly wonderful people.

Dress: Modcloth
Cardigan: H&M
Tights: Target
Coat: H&M
Shoes: Vintage, Etsy
Hair Bow: Belle & Whistle
Pin: Cecelia Hayes

Also, I bought this dress because it reminded me of the first couch I've ever owned. Totally not the first time I've bought clothing that reminded me of couches from my past either.

All outfit photos taken by my rad brother Josh. All other photos taken by me on my iPhone, (except the one of my old couch).

How Strange It Is To Be Anything At All

Sunday I spent all day traveling from New York to Colorado for a little vacation and change of scenery. It was a beautifully sunny day, everything went smoothly, I started reading this book (Further Along The Road Less Traveled) and it helped me feel really in tune with myself and this incredible world. I wrote the following while I was in en route in the sky.  

It's amazing that I've been in a plane most of the day, but I feel more grounded in the sky, surrounded by strangers, than I did on land. There's something about staring out a plane window, and watching the people and the cities that surround them become smaller by the second. I keep watching the cars, and can't help but think of them being filled with different people, each on a separate mission, unaware of each other's goals/struggles/missions. Pretty soon I scan the narrow road lines for cars, and they're no longer visible. I can now see which way the wind blows across the fields, and the farms that belong to those fields, only indicated by darker smears, going all in the same direction. I see long, moving shadows that belong to windmills in a row. Pretty soon I can no longer see the farms, or the windmills. The earth becomes a patchwork quilt, covered in veins, puckered up where the land rises. 

I feel very small and truly humbled by this world, this life. I feel a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a long time. I feel overwhelmed by how wonderful everything is in my life at this very moment. I've actually been teary-eyed for the last ten minutes on a plane. Teary-eyed in the best way possible, where it's difficult to feel embarrassed over the somewhat public display of emotion. I guess they would best be described as tears of gratitude, which are absolutely the best kind. I am just stunned at the personal epiphanies and spiritual growth I've made this year. I chose to let this season of my life strengthen me rather than letting it destroy me. This year has been full of learning, healing, and joy. I am so grateful for the family that I was born into and the friends I've made along this curious, challenging, incredible journey. I feel so lucky to be a part of their lives and elated that they are in mine. It makes me so proud to see all of the things that these talented people have made and shared. It makes my heart happy to feel such encouragement from people that I so greatly admire. 

2012 has brought sobering struggles, beautiful friendships, and an enormous spiritual awakening. I am so looking forward to this new year with new endeavors, continuing friendships, embracing family, and finding happiness in each new day that the universe grants me. 

So long 2012, you were difficult but forced me to grow, and in your own strange way, you were a good one.

Keep The Wind At Your Back, And The Sun On Your Face

The past few months have been a whirlwind of events and emotions.

I've been thinking about how to write this post for a while. I'm not one for getting really personal on the internet (or in my real life), but I feel like it's something I need to do and I think I'm finally ready.

So, here it goes...

I was blindsided by a breakup mid-September, and the dust is just finally starting to settle. It's hard to describe all of the feelings that go along with receiving that news. It was not mutual, and was full of vague explanation, hurt, and dishonesty. I'm not going to get into it, but it was very unpleasant to say the least. 

This means that I had a hasty move back home, and am now living with my dad and stepmom. It also means I was on the verge of quitting school, but got reeled back in from that slippery slope by my sweet dad. Basically, completely uprooting and removing all sense of comfort/normalcy from my life.

My purpose of this post is by no means to gripe about all of the things that have gone wrong in my life, but rather express gratitude toward all of the wonderful things that have come from this unfortunate situation. 

First and foremost: the tremendous love and support I have gotten from my friends and family. 

Without even having to ask, everyone rushed to be by my side. They were there to: help me pack and move, listen, call to check on me, drive me to school, bring me snacks, make a space for me in their home, invite me to hang out, text me encouraging thoughts, let me cry, make me food, talk on the phone, let me crash on their couch, and make me feel loved. I can't even begin to thank them for everything and am eternally grateful. I have so much love for all the wonderful people in my life.

I have never been the type of person to completely open up to my friends (or anyone else for that matter), but this situation forced me to do just that. What a revelation. The more I opened up to people and let them know I was having a tough time, the more responsive everyone was. I forget that sometimes. People are always willing to help, but you have to be willing to ask.

Second: shifting my focus toward the positive. 

One of my biggest downfalls was how pessimistic I could get. Since everything has happened, I've made a huge effort to focus on simple joys. I have the decision - every minute. I can either get caught up in everything that's going wrong, or I can make the conscious effort to find happiness throughout the day. I'm proud to say that I am keeping on the sunny side. It's a constant choice, and while I admit some days it's more of a struggle than others, I have been keeping the wind at my back more often than not. It will always need constant attention, but I'm so ready to make this change. I've already taken strides to letting the happy person inside of me come out. I've started keeping a positivity journal, which has been really, really great. I've been making an effort to wear outfits and listen to records that make me feel good, and I've also found a lot of inspirational quotes on Pinterest. I'm trying, like I've never tried at anything, to be the best me I can be. It has really been life changing.

Third: realizing the strength within me.

It was surreal. Once I discovered the truth and finally stopped relentlessly blaming myself for everything, I had something just click in my brain. A switch that was there all along, and finally got triggered. All the sudden I became this woman who knew exactly what to say, how to be treated, and was filled with clarity and self-respect like I had never known. I realize that I haven't deserved the things that I've had to go through, but I've been facing them head-on, and am becoming better for it. It's like I've been wading through this swamp, which is just the shittiest swamp, but I've learned to appreciate the beauty in it anyway, and once I reach the other side I will be everything that I'm trying to be. 

Fourth: being inspired to create.

I had written a few songs over the years, but it would always take me so long to finish anything. Lately I've been cranking out the ideas. It's proved to be a wonderful coping mechanism. I've had a lot of encouragement from my brother, who has also started teaching me to play guitar. It's been a lot of fun. With this new found me, I'm ready to stop being such a chicken and actually share my music with the internet as soon as it's finished and recorded. I went to see Sharon Van Etten play in Buffalo last weekend and it was exactly what I needed. She is just incredible and a huge inspiration. Yesterday I started to get back into the swing of my photography, which feels great after an unexpected hiatus. I also knit a hat with encouragement from my grandma, with plans to start a new knitting project soon. Having creative endeavors to fall into is always so wonderful.

In short, I have so much to be thankful for right now it's unbelievable.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me along this journey.

My Heart Keeps Calling Me Backwards : Father's Day 2012

Last weekend my brothers and I went to spend the afternoon with my dad. It was a really great day!

When I showed up I walked into the workout of the century. 

My dad is pretty crazy about crossfit and my little brother joined him.

He immediately exclaimed, "I can't talk right now - it's brutal!"

After that was done we all headed out to the pool area to relax. 

It's not very often that I choose to spend my time basking in the sun all day, but this exception was really quite nice. We lazed about in the pool for a while, then my dad opened his gifts. 

After making an effort to find a gift online without any luck, I decided to have a last minute arts and crafts session.

 I'm so glad I did. I had fun making this, and it was much more thoughtful than anything I would have ordered. 

I'll be sharing a post about how to make these soon!

Linda made delicious dinner and mojitos. 

After that I took a really great nap in the gazebo.

The other morning I was reminiscing a bit about my favorite memories I could recall of my dad. I decided I should write them down, because my memory is pretty lousy. I thought I'd share them here:

• When I was younger my dad took me to work at his construction job. I thought it would be a good idea to make a present for my mom to pass the time. While doing so I hit my thumb hard with a hammer. It hurt terribly and I can only imagine how upset I was. He took care of me though, he made me put it in a cup of snow, and was always checking in on how it was healing.
• I was in ski club for a couple years in middle school, and one time my dad met me at the mountain and I ditched my friends and we skied together the whole night. It's one of the only things I remember about ski club, and is probably the most fun I've ever had skiing.
• We used to live on the lake, and it was always a treat when my dad would get home from work and decide to take us to Vine Valley Beach. We'd throw the noodles in the back of the truck and head down the road as the sun was setting to go swimming. It's still my favorite beach. It always makes me feel nostalgic.
• How he's always taking the scenic route and being so proud of his knowledge of backroads to everywhere.
• When we were younger my dad was completely frustrated with my brothers and me for something chore-related. He was so angry and yelled, "I'm gonna count to one! One, two, three!" We all burst out in laughter. We knew how serious he was, but how could we help ourselves?!
• I loved playing badminton in our sideyard with my dad. I was (and still am) terrible at it, but would be so proud when we could volley it for a while. One time in particular we played into the evening and that game still sticks with me.
• I used to ride bike along side him while he was running. One time I was wearing overalls and they kept getting caught in the chain and ripping, but I didn't want to have to stop riding my bike. They were my favorite overalls, and I just kept getting sadder and sadder that I was ruining them instead of stopping, because I loved riding alongside my dad. I found out later that was completely silly and I could've just rolled up one pant leg the whole time!
• My dad was always a champ for enduring me singing entire musicals by myself. He'd listen to me use 10 different voices and act out all the parts. Once he decided he couldn't stand it any longer he'd slowly turn up the radio in the car. I was always surprised how long he'd listen.
• My older brother and I used to play this computer game called 'Pole Position'. It was the only game I could ever beat him at, because I had a special trick of using some different keys on the keyboard. My brother would always prod me to let him in on the winning secret. My dad warned me not to tell him, and to keep it to myself. I finally broke down and showed him the secret, and I never beat him again. I should've listened to my dad.
• Watching my dad watch sports is always quite the experience.
• I remember it taking him so long to feel comfortable dancing. He'd go for most of the dance just trying to work up the courage to get on the dance floor in his cowboy boots. When he finally did get warmed up, the dance would be over! The funny thing is that I'm the exact same way.
• One time he brought home all these metal pipes and made a deal with me: if I clean them up and get all the handles off, then he would pay me something like $50 per hour! He didn't need to say anymore to me - I went for it! I worked for a little over an hour and he took me with him to scrap the metal, gave me my cut, and then made me buy him ice cream on the way home!
• I went to college in Colorado right after high school. I wanted to have my car at school, so my dad drove across the country with me! It was a lot of fun and he kept calling things funny names. He would call my pontiac sunfire "the firebird", our hotel room was "our apartment", and red lobster was "the slobster". Once we made it to Denver we debated how Purina was pronounced (I was right). That was one of the best road trips.
• Whenever I have car troubles my dad is always helping me out. One time he came to my apartment to fix my car in the middle of winter, laying on my dirty garage floor, holding a flashlight in his teeth, all while power steering fluid dripped on his forehead. Any guy who would go through all that to fix his daughter's rust bucket car is quite the dad!
• When AAA kept me waiting to get my car towed for 3 hours my dad drove 45 minutes to come get me so I wouldn't have to wait any longer (or drive home with that terrible tow truck driver). Not only did he drive all that way, but he took me to my favorite ice cream place on the way home.
• When things didn't work out for me in Colorado he let me know that he wouldn't be disappointed if I didn't finish out the school year and came home. That meant everything.

My dad has always stuck up for me and offered a hand when I was in too much of a rut to pull myself out. He's always been supportive of decisions I've made. We have definitely had our share of disagreements, but when it really matters, my dad has been there. He's hardworking and encouraging. He wasn't always the dad that I thought I wanted him to be, but he has always been the dad that I needed. Thanks dad. I love you.

Now I'm 22, And All I Wanna Do Is Hang Out With You

On Mother's Day I turned twenty-two! 

It was absolutely my favorite birthday yet. 

My sweet boyfriend Ben had a lot to do with that. Somehow he was able to keep perfect secret plans and presents from me for weeks, and I'm so happy he did.

We started off the weekend with a trip to the Public Market to get fruits and veggies for our BBQ.

The night before my birthday I was lucky enough to have a backyard full of friends, beautiful weather, and a table full of delicious, grilled food.

The next morning I woke up to the sweetest presents from Ben.

The last record I needed to complete my collection of Madeline vinyl!

Ben thrifted this box (which was originally lined with a bright pink fabric), and re-lined it with a vintage sheet we thrifted a while ago. It's so beautiful. I haven't decided what to keep in it, but it's definitely one of my new favorite things.

I will be sharing more on this later, but a few days after my birthday my big present arrived in the mail. Ben contacted Abi from Vanilla & Lace to make a dress for me. It's beautiful and I can't wait to share it!

We started our morning at my stepmom (Linda) and dad's house for a family brunch.

It was great! My stepsister Aubrey was sweet enough to paint my nails for me while we were there, and I got nice gifts. A scarf from my grandma and these shoes and glass water bottle (from Modcloth) from Linda and my dad! 

After brunch, we were on our way! I still didn't know where we were going. Ben had just told me to keep the day free. We listened to my Spring Mix on our drive and not too long after I figured out where we were going. My favorite place - Green Lakes State Park!

Once we got there Ben took out a cooler the he borrowed from my dad and we grabbed the blanket from my car for a late-afternoon picnic. 

This was without a doubt the best picnic I've ever had.

It was complete with: lunch from my new favorite restaurant (OpenFace), The Beatles, gorgeous weather, a warm & shady spot with a soft breeze, and my favorite person who planned the whole thing. I'm still amazed.

After lazing about and enjoying the surroundings for a while we went for a walk along the lake. 

I was tired and happy and told Ben I was ready to go home. He asked if we could go sit on a bench on the other side of the lake before we left. So we sat and I just looked toward the end of lake with my heart overflowing. Feeling just so content and in awe of the beauty around us. 

Out of nowhere my brother wraps me in a hug and yells "Banner!" (my nickname). I turn around and my family was there! I was completely shocked. My two brothers and my mom were suddenly with me on my birthday. 

I didn't think I'd be able to see my mom on mother's day. I was bummed about it because I was born on mother's day, and it just didn't feel right. And then there she was.

Earlier that day I had asked Ben if we could stop at my grandma's house if we had time (she lives nearby). He said he just wanted to go home. Little did I know he had my family meet us at the park so we could all visit my grandmother together.

My mom gave me beautiful gifts. A vintage wooden ironing board, shoes, and lace tablecloth.

I didn't think my day could get any better, but it just kept happening, and it was all thanks to Ben and my wonderful family.

Dress: Cactus Flower (I got it in Bloomington,IN while we were on tour!)

Bow Belt: Vanilla & Lace

Shoes: Modcloth