I Dreamt That All My Old Friends Got Together Again, At A Potluck Or Something Somewhere That We'd Never Been

Well, here I am, breaking the silence once again. It felt so overwhelming for a while to try to juggle a blog while going to school full time and working, so I took a long break. Lately, I have missed blogging so much. It's nice to write, and get feelings out onto a page and documented to be able to revisit them. This last month has been difficult in a lot of ways, and I felt all sorts of down on myself. Today life is finally taking a turn for the better. I was flooded with gratitude out of the blue, for a beautiful time in my life that I'd managed to forget about for a long while. I think that keeps it safer in a way.



Today I walked to my lab partner's house in Geneseo. It felt all too familiar, and when we got closer I asked which one she lived in. She said it was the one with the red door. The one I had been to many times before, and I never thought I'd visit again. A place where blurry memories were created, and forgotten. Today I remembered what it was like to be nineteen, sitting on that porch, waiting for a house show, eating a potluck, and meeting new people who turned into great friends. Most importantly I was reminded where I've been, and who I was, and who I am, and how it's all led me to right here. I feel so lucky for all that I've experienced, and all that I have yet to experience. This life is so strange, yet so wonderful.

Come Down From The Mountain, You Have Been Gone Too Long

My vacation to Colorado a couple weeks ago was the perfect change of scenery. It was really more than I could have hoped for. It was a full circle journey that gave me the recharge I needed to welcome 2013 with open arms and a fresh perspective.

I'll start off with some background information on my Colorado connection: After going to high school (in Upstate New York), I went immediately out to college in Colorado. I only looked at schools out there, and after visiting my grandparents there every summer, it seemed like the logical choice. I knew I loved Colorado, but wasn't prepared for the side effects of a swift move across the country from my family, and across the state from my grandparents.

To put it bluntly: it was really isolating, and I was painfully shy, which is not the best combination. I had a hard time meeting people, was trying to maintain a doomed long-distance relationship with my high school boyfriend, and was dealing with a major case of depression. I was not a partier and felt really uncomfortable at typical rowdy college parties, which seemed to be the only thing anyone wanted to do. I felt out of place everywhere I tried to be social, and got my first taste of what it's like to have an awful roommate. At the first sign of the weekend I was off, driving 6 hours to see my boyfriend who was so busy establishing his new life as a ski bum/lift op, that he became increasingly disinterested in spending his time with me. I was too blinded by my situation and low self-esteem to realize how he/we had changed. At least I had enough self-respect to give him an ultimatum as to whether he wanted to be with me or not. So, that was that. I went through my first break-up, and after a couple weeks into my second semester, decided to call it quits at Fort Lewis and move back home. I was at a low point in my life. I felt like a failure, and I never considered myself done with Colorado. I still loved it, and even after I left, I had convinced myself I would return in the Fall. Of course I didn't, but I never felt like I had closed the door that I rushed through four years ago. 

Returning to this beautiful state, that I think of as home, really allowed me to finally feel a sense of closure and self-improvement. I've realized that I've made huge strides from the clueless, shy, naive 18 year old girl that I was when I lived there. It all hit me when I went to visit a friend, that I made when I was fifteen, who recently moved out there. I took a drive down from the mountains to Silverthorne, and realize as soon as I got off I-70, that this was the town that I frequented often when I would drive away for the weekend. I immediately recognized where I was and found my way to the Natural Grocers store where I had my first kombucha. This may sound strange, but once I parked I was overcome with emotion and nearly cried, right there, in the Natural Grocers parking lot. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I had always associated bad memories with my few short months in Colorful Colorado. Yet I knew where I was going without looking it up, which confirmed that this beautiful state is my home, and here I was recalling a nice memory from an extremely rough time in my life, and in that moment I started to realize my growth since I moved away.

After getting a kombucha, I met my sweet friend Mark for coffee drinks and a walk along a frozen lake, accompanied by a beautiful sunset. 

We talked about happiness and our growth as people, and how far we've come since our low points, and it was really nice. It's refreshing to be able to have a candid, heartfelt conversation with someone who is open-minded and willing to listen. Someone you don't feel at all silly/self-concious around when speaking your inner truth. Having this conversation really made me see my personal development with clear eyes. In these situations we can't help but recognize the progress we've made as people. I have improved in countless ways since I last visited this place, that even I can hardly recognize myself.

I am now aware of what makes me tick.

I know what I love. I know what I want to sink all of my free time into. I know that I still don't like rowdy college parties, but rather more intimate get togethers with close friends and good conversation. I know what kind of people I want to surround myself with. I know what kind of partner I deserve. I know how to open up to my friends and family. I am more self-confident. I am more positive. I am more happy. I know how to recognize when I'm not, and I know what I can do to come out of it. I am working on becoming less closed off from people. Blogging honestly and writing music have been a means to being a more open person, and more willing to share the things that are important to me. I am no longer running from struggle. Instead I am facing it head on and growing in spite of it. This has been the thing that has saved me and set me free. This new mindset and perspective has helped me feel at peace, not only at this moment, but about the past, and looking toward the future.

I am changing. I am learning. I am growing. 

And most importantly: 

My excitement for endeavors and exploration has become so loud, I can hardly hear my fears.

Fireworks Above Us, A Screaming Bloom

I am in disbelief at how quickly the Summer came and went, and how much adventure and joy I managed to squeeze out of it. I've been clinging desperately to what's left, but have spent most my time recalling and reminiscing all of the memories I had the pleasure of making this season. 

Before school got out for the Summer I had made a list of all of the things I was longing to experience, and I'm proud to say that I crossed the majority of things off, with two exceptions that will just have to wait until Autumn graces us with her presence.

The list included: having a picnic, going to yard sales (lots!), spending a day at Green Lakes (x2), and spending a day at the beach (see below). 

The last few I finished this past weekend: spending a day with my grandma (made her dinner!), flying a kite, and going for a hike. 

This was not on the list, but I'm so grateful for it: STAYCATION!

Ben and I spent our Saturdays off together exploring new towns, thrifting/antiquing/yardsailing, walking along Lake Ontario, swimming(!), taking short road trips, eating ice cream, taking photos, going for long walks, going to the movies, and just enjoying our time together. These have become some of my favorite memories.

It has been a while since I've posted, and also a while since the 4th of July! That being said, here are my photos from that day. 

I spent the afternoon at the beach with 'the Bens'. This included a pb&j picnic in our new cooler, terrible tasting alcohol, new beach towels, ukulele playing, a floppy sunhat, new swimsuits, and most importantly: the first time Ben has ever gone swimming with me! In the 3+ years we have been dating, this is the only time he has ever swam. Crazy, right?!

After our beach trip we had a small backyard barbecue and walked to the bridge to watch fireworks with friends. Very low-key, but also very much the best.

Dress: Forever 21

Bikini Top: Unique Vintage

Bikini Bottoms: Modcloth

Floppy Hat: Target

Sunglasses: Target

My Heart Keeps Calling Me Backwards : Father's Day 2012

Last weekend my brothers and I went to spend the afternoon with my dad. It was a really great day!

When I showed up I walked into the workout of the century. 

My dad is pretty crazy about crossfit and my little brother joined him.

He immediately exclaimed, "I can't talk right now - it's brutal!"

After that was done we all headed out to the pool area to relax. 

It's not very often that I choose to spend my time basking in the sun all day, but this exception was really quite nice. We lazed about in the pool for a while, then my dad opened his gifts. 

After making an effort to find a gift online without any luck, I decided to have a last minute arts and crafts session.

 I'm so glad I did. I had fun making this, and it was much more thoughtful than anything I would have ordered. 

I'll be sharing a post about how to make these soon!

Linda made delicious dinner and mojitos. 

After that I took a really great nap in the gazebo.

The other morning I was reminiscing a bit about my favorite memories I could recall of my dad. I decided I should write them down, because my memory is pretty lousy. I thought I'd share them here:

• When I was younger my dad took me to work at his construction job. I thought it would be a good idea to make a present for my mom to pass the time. While doing so I hit my thumb hard with a hammer. It hurt terribly and I can only imagine how upset I was. He took care of me though, he made me put it in a cup of snow, and was always checking in on how it was healing.
• I was in ski club for a couple years in middle school, and one time my dad met me at the mountain and I ditched my friends and we skied together the whole night. It's one of the only things I remember about ski club, and is probably the most fun I've ever had skiing.
• We used to live on the lake, and it was always a treat when my dad would get home from work and decide to take us to Vine Valley Beach. We'd throw the noodles in the back of the truck and head down the road as the sun was setting to go swimming. It's still my favorite beach. It always makes me feel nostalgic.
• How he's always taking the scenic route and being so proud of his knowledge of backroads to everywhere.
• When we were younger my dad was completely frustrated with my brothers and me for something chore-related. He was so angry and yelled, "I'm gonna count to one! One, two, three!" We all burst out in laughter. We knew how serious he was, but how could we help ourselves?!
• I loved playing badminton in our sideyard with my dad. I was (and still am) terrible at it, but would be so proud when we could volley it for a while. One time in particular we played into the evening and that game still sticks with me.
• I used to ride bike along side him while he was running. One time I was wearing overalls and they kept getting caught in the chain and ripping, but I didn't want to have to stop riding my bike. They were my favorite overalls, and I just kept getting sadder and sadder that I was ruining them instead of stopping, because I loved riding alongside my dad. I found out later that was completely silly and I could've just rolled up one pant leg the whole time!
• My dad was always a champ for enduring me singing entire musicals by myself. He'd listen to me use 10 different voices and act out all the parts. Once he decided he couldn't stand it any longer he'd slowly turn up the radio in the car. I was always surprised how long he'd listen.
• My older brother and I used to play this computer game called 'Pole Position'. It was the only game I could ever beat him at, because I had a special trick of using some different keys on the keyboard. My brother would always prod me to let him in on the winning secret. My dad warned me not to tell him, and to keep it to myself. I finally broke down and showed him the secret, and I never beat him again. I should've listened to my dad.
• Watching my dad watch sports is always quite the experience.
• I remember it taking him so long to feel comfortable dancing. He'd go for most of the dance just trying to work up the courage to get on the dance floor in his cowboy boots. When he finally did get warmed up, the dance would be over! The funny thing is that I'm the exact same way.
• One time he brought home all these metal pipes and made a deal with me: if I clean them up and get all the handles off, then he would pay me something like $50 per hour! He didn't need to say anymore to me - I went for it! I worked for a little over an hour and he took me with him to scrap the metal, gave me my cut, and then made me buy him ice cream on the way home!
• I went to college in Colorado right after high school. I wanted to have my car at school, so my dad drove across the country with me! It was a lot of fun and he kept calling things funny names. He would call my pontiac sunfire "the firebird", our hotel room was "our apartment", and red lobster was "the slobster". Once we made it to Denver we debated how Purina was pronounced (I was right). That was one of the best road trips.
• Whenever I have car troubles my dad is always helping me out. One time he came to my apartment to fix my car in the middle of winter, laying on my dirty garage floor, holding a flashlight in his teeth, all while power steering fluid dripped on his forehead. Any guy who would go through all that to fix his daughter's rust bucket car is quite the dad!
• When AAA kept me waiting to get my car towed for 3 hours my dad drove 45 minutes to come get me so I wouldn't have to wait any longer (or drive home with that terrible tow truck driver). Not only did he drive all that way, but he took me to my favorite ice cream place on the way home.
• When things didn't work out for me in Colorado he let me know that he wouldn't be disappointed if I didn't finish out the school year and came home. That meant everything.

My dad has always stuck up for me and offered a hand when I was in too much of a rut to pull myself out. He's always been supportive of decisions I've made. We have definitely had our share of disagreements, but when it really matters, my dad has been there. He's hardworking and encouraging. He wasn't always the dad that I thought I wanted him to be, but he has always been the dad that I needed. Thanks dad. I love you.