Letter To My Little Self

Dear Little Me,

You are not an asshole. I know that you think that about yourself often, and I know I've been dismissive of your complexity in calling you that, but in hindsight I couldn't be more wrong. You had to deal with more in your small life than you were equipped to deal with gracefully, but that you dealt with it at all means that you are courageous.

I'm writing to tell you that I am so proud of you. I'm proud of all of the things that you learned to overcome. I'm proud of your ability to accept, grow, and change in spite of so much resistance. Not only resistance from many of the ignorant adults around you, but also the resistance of yourself. I am proud of your depth and your fearless navigation of it. I'm proud that you climbed out of the deep, dark trench you found yourself in and managed to come out on the other side better for it.

I'm also writing to tell you that you don't have to be so ashamed of your story, and you don't need to take on guilt for other people. That's a heavy load for such a tiny person.

I know that your parents' divorce feels like the end of your world, but it's not. It is the beginning of a challenging time fueled by a pain-induced rebellion. You will be more independent and introspective for it all. Your parents will learn how to love better and healthier, which will be good for all of you.

Your mom is dating a woman, and that doesn't define you. It will, however, shape you in some way to become a more accepting, tolerant, and patient person. You'll understand it more when you're fifteen and first learn how to love someone that is not your family. When you're twenty-two she'll start dating a man for the first time since your dad, and it will still take getting used to. So long as she's treated right, and happy, so are you for her.

I know you feel as if the world is against you and ending all at once. Your self-sabatoge is your only sense of normalcy, but it doesn't have to be. The cocktail of anti-depressants you've been prescribed will be short-lived. You will live free from reliance on medications or substances to find stability.

But first, you will descend further than you ever thought possible. You spend a week in a psychiatric hospital. It will feel like some cruel, brutal hell as punishment for being angry and so desperately sad that every aspect of your life uprooted. It will feel awful; like a fluke that you would be sent to some place with people like this. You are not a monster, or crazy - just hurt. You won't realize until you're twenty-four the value of this experience. It shows you what you could become if you continue down the path of self-destruction. It also teaches you to have gratitude for the life that you were given. The life that allows you to be present in the world you have the privilege of experiencing. Gratitude will become a driving force of your life. When you are twenty-three, you will finally not be ashamed of this part of your story. You will be talking to a friend, and he will share the story of his sister going to a psychiatric hospital. He will explain with such compassion how he felt sad to see her in such an awful place. Right then, that will be the first time you will ever feel like you could talk about it without feeling shameful. You won't, because it won't be an appropriate time to make the conversation about you, but you will feel the capacity to do so, and that will be enough.

You'll be less selfish and more aware of others. You'll realize that you don't have to carry such a tremendous weight all the time. I know that you feel so much shame for your story, but none of these things define you. You don't have to deal with struggles in secret; that's what friends and family are for.

Your family will forgive you for all the times you treated them unfairly, and you will forgive them for the same. Your parents will be some of the most supportive people in your life, and for that, you are lucky. You will make friends that feel like family, and you will continue to grow friendships with some of your current friends. Your brothers will become your best friends, your mom: your confidant, and your dad will swoop in during times of despair. You will find love and you will lose it too. When that happens it will feel unbearable at times, but you will find so much strength in being alone. You will be catapulted into a web of self-discovery, gratitude, and friendship. Do not fear the valleys of life, for you are still ascending upward. You are in a valley, but it will not descend forever, and it will not be the last that you come upon. You will learn how to navigate them with less heartache as you get older.

Finally, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being the last to forgive you. You will grow into someone who knows more about openness, healing, acceptance, love, and gratitude, but for now you are right where you need to be.

Love,
Future You

I Dreamt That All My Old Friends Got Together Again, At A Potluck Or Something Somewhere That We'd Never Been

Well, here I am, breaking the silence once again. It felt so overwhelming for a while to try to juggle a blog while going to school full time and working, so I took a long break. Lately, I have missed blogging so much. It's nice to write, and get feelings out onto a page and documented to be able to revisit them. This last month has been difficult in a lot of ways, and I felt all sorts of down on myself. Today life is finally taking a turn for the better. I was flooded with gratitude out of the blue, for a beautiful time in my life that I'd managed to forget about for a long while. I think that keeps it safer in a way.



Today I walked to my lab partner's house in Geneseo. It felt all too familiar, and when we got closer I asked which one she lived in. She said it was the one with the red door. The one I had been to many times before, and I never thought I'd visit again. A place where blurry memories were created, and forgotten. Today I remembered what it was like to be nineteen, sitting on that porch, waiting for a house show, eating a potluck, and meeting new people who turned into great friends. Most importantly I was reminded where I've been, and who I was, and who I am, and how it's all led me to right here. I feel so lucky for all that I've experienced, and all that I have yet to experience. This life is so strange, yet so wonderful.

We Will Sing To Everything The Stories Of Where We Have Been

This Monday I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for this past weekend. It was not out of the ordinary, but that's what made it so special, and I always want to remember these times. Lately weekends have been full, in the best way. My friends are some of my favorite people in the world, and to able to spend time with them every weekend is one of the best things. We have formed little traditions that have become what I look forward to the most throughout the week.



The weekend started by running errands with Cheryl for a Friday cocktail & crafting night. It was so much fun. We spent too much time making delicious blueberry/lavender/gin cocktails. We attempted making fruit leather, which didn't work out so well, but was pretty amusing. We mod-podged pretty paper to Cheryl's light switch covers (which turned out beautifully) while watching season 6 of Buffy. So, pretty much the perfect Friday night.



We woke up and walked to Voula's to meet our friends for friend breakfast, which has been a tradition since this Winter. It makes Saturday mornings really great. After breakfast, I traveled with my mom, two brothers, and my brother's new girlfriend to see family that I hadn't seen in 5+ years. I was a little nervous about it, but it was a wonderful get together. My aunt made a whole spread of traditional Philippine foods, which were incredible, and she also made the best "that's what she said" joke that' I'll never remember. I tried out my little brother's longboard, which was pretty amusing. On the way home we listened to RadioLab and all geeked out about the incredible sunset together.



On Sunday I had a small pool party, which really just ended up being Dan, Cheryl, and me, but it was so much fun. I made lavender lemonade in my new giant mason jar dispenser. We grilled, we swam, we made s'mores, we played boggle, and it was the greatest.



I never want to forget this season of my life and all of things that have brought so much happiness to it. The Saturday morning friend breakfasts, Saturday afternoon band practices, Friday night bowling, Sunday pool parties, Tuesday night trivia, taking myself on solo dates, Friday afternoons at the coffee shop with my brother, Saturday night Catan club, photo adventures with my little brother, Dr. Mario competitions, Saturday night sleepovers on my brother's couch followed by Sunday morning hangouts, listening to podcasts on my commute to work, writing music with some of my best friends/favorite musicians, grilling potlucks, and just plain hanging out with the best people on the planet.



*all photos in this post were taken with my iPhone

I'm Stronger Than The Picture That You Took Before You Left

It has been quite a while since I have been here. Before I go into anything I would just like to direct your attention to the incredibly beautiful blog design that the super talented Bri of The Secret Life of Bee put together for me. I am beside myself with how fantastic it is and would highly recommend her design services, as well as her blog (it's one of my favorites). I feel like the design perfectly suits me and this space and am so happy about it.

Lately life has been all sorts of wonderful. I feel so thankful all the time for the great people that I get to spend it with. I have been documenting less and living more. There are a lot of things that I haven't shared on here, that I have meant to. So here are some photos from last summer that were taken to share on this space.



They never made it here last year, just like a lot of things have failed to arrive, but here they are now. They are special in a way that is hard to explain. In these photos, I was unaware of how my life would so quickly uproot and shift to one so unrecognizable, and I mean that in the best way. There is a strong, confident woman inside of the person in these photos just waiting to be triggered. This was the end and the beginning all at once. 

Skirt: Modcloth
Blouse: Forever 21
Tote: Vanilla & Lace
Sunglasses: Target
Flats: Journeys

In Your Heart There's A Spark That Just Screams

I've always liked Valentine's Day, but it's definitely a tough day if you're single. Instead of being bitter about the holiday, I decided to celebrate this year by being my own date. I had a really great time. I planned it all out earlier in the week, so I was actually looking forward to it!

This is really the first time that I've been single since I was fifteen. I've been in two long-term relationships, and I really enjoy being in a committed relationship. I like having someone who wants to hang out all the time, someone to talk to about anything, and someone to do life with. So, this single life has been strange, but I've actually been enjoying it thus far. It's nice to get to know myself, and figure things out alone, spend a lot of time with great friends, and get a chance to work on that sense of gratitude and self love that was in need of attention. I feel like it's really important to focus on ourselves sometimes. A relationship will suffer if one or both parties are coming into it expecting to be completed by the other. So right now I'm focusing on making myself whole, and I feel really great about being alone. That being said, I decided to go on a solo date with myself!

The day before Valentine's my brothers and I drove to Ithaca to see Jeff Mangum play with The Music Tapes and Tall Firs. I bought the tickets months ago, and gave them to my brothers as Christmas gifts, so the anticipation had been building for a while! 

It was more than I could have ever imagined. It was nice just spending quality time with my best friends and having great conversation. Then we got to see Jeff Mangum. He was incredible. I can't even put into words how wonderful it was to see and hear him play. Everyone was singing along and it felt like there was respect and gratitude just hanging in the air of the State Theatre. I was in awe of his talent and courage, and felt so lucky to be given the opportunity to see him. When he played my favorite of his songs, (Two Headed Boy Pt. 2) I was overcome by emotion and spent the rest of the song unsuccessfully holding back tears. So far, I still can't listen to it without tearing up. Seeing Jeff Mangum was probably my favorite concert experience that I've ever had. Since there was no photographing/recording allowed, my brother Josh drew his recollection of him. It's perfect.

On Valentine's Day I did a bunch of my favorite things to treat myself (and all the purchases I made were kept local too - score!). I started off by getting myself sesame chocolate bark and the cutest stuffed dino from Hedonist. 

Then I went to take these outfit photos. It was a little frustrating because it was raining and I had to use a tripod, but I powered through, and ended up having a good time with the challenge of self-portraits. I am so happy I got to document this special day. 

Next I went to my favorite Rochester restaurant, Open Face, to have my favorite soft brie and pear sandwich, pickled beets, and a hot rose matcha.

 After that, I went to my favorite theatre, The Little, to see the live action and animated Oscar nominated shorts. They were really great, as always.

 My favorite live action short was Henry, which had me fighting back tears, and my favorite animated short was Paperman, which made me smile the whole way through. It's actually nice to go to the movies alone. I think I'll make it a more regular thing. 

This Valentine's Day was really wonderful. I'm glad I chose to celebrate rather than be cynical.

Skirt: Forever 21

Top: H&M

Tights: Target

Shoes: Vintage, thrifted

Bow: Belle and Whistle

Coat: H&M

Umbrella: Thrifted

Stuffed Dino: Charging Hearts

The Seasons Have Changed From The Present To Past

This morning I had one of those grounding moments. 

It was the kind of moment when you realize that something, that has overwhelmed your thoughts and drained your energy for months on end, is finally no longer doing so. We are all faced with those situations that seem to grab hold of us and shake our foundations. We can either let them crumble or build them stronger, but either way, they are shaken. So the mending becomes a process of indefinite length. Sometimes this process seems never-ending, but we persist. Until, to our surprise, it's over as quickly as it began. This morning I finally felt that no longer was my particular situation happening to me, but rather it was something that had happened to me. I no longer feel consumed by a seemingly repetitive cycle of thought. It just is. I just am. I feel at peace with this struggle. I feel at peace with the idea of struggle in general. It seems like a simple concept, but just getting to the place of realizing that there will always be struggle throughout this journey, makes me feel prepared for future encounters. It is also important to note that although we will never have power over the actions of others, we will always have power over our mindset. We control our own perception, actions, and reactions, and just knowing that is a huge comfort to me. 

It is so easy for us to default to looking back at the past or toward the future to "find happiness". For a long time, I always thought that it was something you had to find, and now I realize that it's something you must create. The whole idea that happiness is not a destination, but a way of travel, has given me a lot of pause lately. Until recently, I was the biggest offender of trying to pursue happiness. It always felt just out of reach. I thought that if I just finished school, or if I just got a new job, or if I just moved to a different state, etc., that then I could start living the way I had always hoped, and then I would reach this ultimate fulfillment. Even writing this now, it seems like such a strange concept. I think as humans, we have a hard time focusing on the present. It's understandable. The future holds the unknown. It is exciting. It is scary. It is forgiving. It is anything we want it to be. The present is an acquired taste. It takes a while to decide that, "Hey, it's not so bad" and, "maybe I'll get that next time", but really the present is the best tasting thing that life offers (just not everyone realizes it). The future is an old favorite. It's the flavor you order because you know you like it, so why would you get anything else? I think the past is more one of those things on the menu that if it's gone, you're definitely not going to get anything else in place of it. That's the only one you like. It's so familiar, predictable, preserved. This is a strange analogy, but it definitely makes sense to me, and it's nice to think about as ice cream flavors or something. 

Anyway, for me, I've been trying to focus on the present. It's always easier to go back to that familiar future focus, but I've been pushing myself to find the beauty in the here and now. That's all we have anyway, so why not dive in? The trick is that the beauty is always there, but sometimes you have to use all your energy to seek it out, and other times it is undeniably surrounding you. Sometimes we get so used to it staring us in the face, that we forget we must make an effort to find it when it's not. Personally, I've adjusted my way of thinking from, "When I'm out of school I'll have so much fun" to, "this weekend is going to make this entire week awesome". Instead of looking four months out, I'm only looking four days ahead. I still have a ways to go, but I'm making progress. It's a constant perspective shift, and I often find myself slowing down and reevaluating.

I am striving for gratitude. 

Gratitude for this world, and this day, and this moment, and my reality, and my friends, and my family, and myself, and my talents, and the talents of my friends and family, and my body, and my senses, and my feelings, and the ability to work toward what I want for myself. I will never stop reaching for it, and as long as I don't lose focus, that is what matters.

*This actually happened on February 3rd, after a grounding talk with my brother Ben. I've been having a lot of conversations with my family lately, that have brought me a greater sense of clarity, and for them I am thankful.

**All photos taken by me in 2010 and 2011. All quotes from the book I'm currently reading: Attitudes of Gratitude by M.J. Ryan.

How Strange It Is To Be Anything At All

Sunday I spent all day traveling from New York to Colorado for a little vacation and change of scenery. It was a beautifully sunny day, everything went smoothly, I started reading this book (Further Along The Road Less Traveled) and it helped me feel really in tune with myself and this incredible world. I wrote the following while I was in en route in the sky.  

It's amazing that I've been in a plane most of the day, but I feel more grounded in the sky, surrounded by strangers, than I did on land. There's something about staring out a plane window, and watching the people and the cities that surround them become smaller by the second. I keep watching the cars, and can't help but think of them being filled with different people, each on a separate mission, unaware of each other's goals/struggles/missions. Pretty soon I scan the narrow road lines for cars, and they're no longer visible. I can now see which way the wind blows across the fields, and the farms that belong to those fields, only indicated by darker smears, going all in the same direction. I see long, moving shadows that belong to windmills in a row. Pretty soon I can no longer see the farms, or the windmills. The earth becomes a patchwork quilt, covered in veins, puckered up where the land rises. 

I feel very small and truly humbled by this world, this life. I feel a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a long time. I feel overwhelmed by how wonderful everything is in my life at this very moment. I've actually been teary-eyed for the last ten minutes on a plane. Teary-eyed in the best way possible, where it's difficult to feel embarrassed over the somewhat public display of emotion. I guess they would best be described as tears of gratitude, which are absolutely the best kind. I am just stunned at the personal epiphanies and spiritual growth I've made this year. I chose to let this season of my life strengthen me rather than letting it destroy me. This year has been full of learning, healing, and joy. I am so grateful for the family that I was born into and the friends I've made along this curious, challenging, incredible journey. I feel so lucky to be a part of their lives and elated that they are in mine. It makes me so proud to see all of the things that these talented people have made and shared. It makes my heart happy to feel such encouragement from people that I so greatly admire. 

2012 has brought sobering struggles, beautiful friendships, and an enormous spiritual awakening. I am so looking forward to this new year with new endeavors, continuing friendships, embracing family, and finding happiness in each new day that the universe grants me. 

So long 2012, you were difficult but forced me to grow, and in your own strange way, you were a good one.

Keep The Wind At Your Back, And The Sun On Your Face

The past few months have been a whirlwind of events and emotions.

I've been thinking about how to write this post for a while. I'm not one for getting really personal on the internet (or in my real life), but I feel like it's something I need to do and I think I'm finally ready.

So, here it goes...

I was blindsided by a breakup mid-September, and the dust is just finally starting to settle. It's hard to describe all of the feelings that go along with receiving that news. It was not mutual, and was full of vague explanation, hurt, and dishonesty. I'm not going to get into it, but it was very unpleasant to say the least. 

This means that I had a hasty move back home, and am now living with my dad and stepmom. It also means I was on the verge of quitting school, but got reeled back in from that slippery slope by my sweet dad. Basically, completely uprooting and removing all sense of comfort/normalcy from my life.

My purpose of this post is by no means to gripe about all of the things that have gone wrong in my life, but rather express gratitude toward all of the wonderful things that have come from this unfortunate situation. 

First and foremost: the tremendous love and support I have gotten from my friends and family. 

Without even having to ask, everyone rushed to be by my side. They were there to: help me pack and move, listen, call to check on me, drive me to school, bring me snacks, make a space for me in their home, invite me to hang out, text me encouraging thoughts, let me cry, make me food, talk on the phone, let me crash on their couch, and make me feel loved. I can't even begin to thank them for everything and am eternally grateful. I have so much love for all the wonderful people in my life.

I have never been the type of person to completely open up to my friends (or anyone else for that matter), but this situation forced me to do just that. What a revelation. The more I opened up to people and let them know I was having a tough time, the more responsive everyone was. I forget that sometimes. People are always willing to help, but you have to be willing to ask.

Second: shifting my focus toward the positive. 

One of my biggest downfalls was how pessimistic I could get. Since everything has happened, I've made a huge effort to focus on simple joys. I have the decision - every minute. I can either get caught up in everything that's going wrong, or I can make the conscious effort to find happiness throughout the day. I'm proud to say that I am keeping on the sunny side. It's a constant choice, and while I admit some days it's more of a struggle than others, I have been keeping the wind at my back more often than not. It will always need constant attention, but I'm so ready to make this change. I've already taken strides to letting the happy person inside of me come out. I've started keeping a positivity journal, which has been really, really great. I've been making an effort to wear outfits and listen to records that make me feel good, and I've also found a lot of inspirational quotes on Pinterest. I'm trying, like I've never tried at anything, to be the best me I can be. It has really been life changing.

Third: realizing the strength within me.

It was surreal. Once I discovered the truth and finally stopped relentlessly blaming myself for everything, I had something just click in my brain. A switch that was there all along, and finally got triggered. All the sudden I became this woman who knew exactly what to say, how to be treated, and was filled with clarity and self-respect like I had never known. I realize that I haven't deserved the things that I've had to go through, but I've been facing them head-on, and am becoming better for it. It's like I've been wading through this swamp, which is just the shittiest swamp, but I've learned to appreciate the beauty in it anyway, and once I reach the other side I will be everything that I'm trying to be. 

Fourth: being inspired to create.

I had written a few songs over the years, but it would always take me so long to finish anything. Lately I've been cranking out the ideas. It's proved to be a wonderful coping mechanism. I've had a lot of encouragement from my brother, who has also started teaching me to play guitar. It's been a lot of fun. With this new found me, I'm ready to stop being such a chicken and actually share my music with the internet as soon as it's finished and recorded. I went to see Sharon Van Etten play in Buffalo last weekend and it was exactly what I needed. She is just incredible and a huge inspiration. Yesterday I started to get back into the swing of my photography, which feels great after an unexpected hiatus. I also knit a hat with encouragement from my grandma, with plans to start a new knitting project soon. Having creative endeavors to fall into is always so wonderful.

In short, I have so much to be thankful for right now it's unbelievable.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me along this journey.