Letter To My Little Self

Dear Little Me,

You are not an asshole. I know that you think that about yourself often, and I know I've been dismissive of your complexity in calling you that, but in hindsight I couldn't be more wrong. You had to deal with more in your small life than you were equipped to deal with gracefully, but that you dealt with it at all means that you are courageous.

I'm writing to tell you that I am so proud of you. I'm proud of all of the things that you learned to overcome. I'm proud of your ability to accept, grow, and change in spite of so much resistance. Not only resistance from many of the ignorant adults around you, but also the resistance of yourself. I am proud of your depth and your fearless navigation of it. I'm proud that you climbed out of the deep, dark trench you found yourself in and managed to come out on the other side better for it.

I'm also writing to tell you that you don't have to be so ashamed of your story, and you don't need to take on guilt for other people. That's a heavy load for such a tiny person.

I know that your parents' divorce feels like the end of your world, but it's not. It is the beginning of a challenging time fueled by a pain-induced rebellion. You will be more independent and introspective for it all. Your parents will learn how to love better and healthier, which will be good for all of you.

Your mom is dating a woman, and that doesn't define you. It will, however, shape you in some way to become a more accepting, tolerant, and patient person. You'll understand it more when you're fifteen and first learn how to love someone that is not your family. When you're twenty-two she'll start dating a man for the first time since your dad, and it will still take getting used to. So long as she's treated right, and happy, so are you for her.

I know you feel as if the world is against you and ending all at once. Your self-sabatoge is your only sense of normalcy, but it doesn't have to be. The cocktail of anti-depressants you've been prescribed will be short-lived. You will live free from reliance on medications or substances to find stability.

But first, you will descend further than you ever thought possible. You spend a week in a psychiatric hospital. It will feel like some cruel, brutal hell as punishment for being angry and so desperately sad that every aspect of your life uprooted. It will feel awful; like a fluke that you would be sent to some place with people like this. You are not a monster, or crazy - just hurt. You won't realize until you're twenty-four the value of this experience. It shows you what you could become if you continue down the path of self-destruction. It also teaches you to have gratitude for the life that you were given. The life that allows you to be present in the world you have the privilege of experiencing. Gratitude will become a driving force of your life. When you are twenty-three, you will finally not be ashamed of this part of your story. You will be talking to a friend, and he will share the story of his sister going to a psychiatric hospital. He will explain with such compassion how he felt sad to see her in such an awful place. Right then, that will be the first time you will ever feel like you could talk about it without feeling shameful. You won't, because it won't be an appropriate time to make the conversation about you, but you will feel the capacity to do so, and that will be enough.

You'll be less selfish and more aware of others. You'll realize that you don't have to carry such a tremendous weight all the time. I know that you feel so much shame for your story, but none of these things define you. You don't have to deal with struggles in secret; that's what friends and family are for.

Your family will forgive you for all the times you treated them unfairly, and you will forgive them for the same. Your parents will be some of the most supportive people in your life, and for that, you are lucky. You will make friends that feel like family, and you will continue to grow friendships with some of your current friends. Your brothers will become your best friends, your mom: your confidant, and your dad will swoop in during times of despair. You will find love and you will lose it too. When that happens it will feel unbearable at times, but you will find so much strength in being alone. You will be catapulted into a web of self-discovery, gratitude, and friendship. Do not fear the valleys of life, for you are still ascending upward. You are in a valley, but it will not descend forever, and it will not be the last that you come upon. You will learn how to navigate them with less heartache as you get older.

Finally, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being the last to forgive you. You will grow into someone who knows more about openness, healing, acceptance, love, and gratitude, but for now you are right where you need to be.

Love,
Future You

We Will Sing To Everything The Stories Of Where We Have Been

This Monday I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for this past weekend. It was not out of the ordinary, but that's what made it so special, and I always want to remember these times. Lately weekends have been full, in the best way. My friends are some of my favorite people in the world, and to able to spend time with them every weekend is one of the best things. We have formed little traditions that have become what I look forward to the most throughout the week.



The weekend started by running errands with Cheryl for a Friday cocktail & crafting night. It was so much fun. We spent too much time making delicious blueberry/lavender/gin cocktails. We attempted making fruit leather, which didn't work out so well, but was pretty amusing. We mod-podged pretty paper to Cheryl's light switch covers (which turned out beautifully) while watching season 6 of Buffy. So, pretty much the perfect Friday night.



We woke up and walked to Voula's to meet our friends for friend breakfast, which has been a tradition since this Winter. It makes Saturday mornings really great. After breakfast, I traveled with my mom, two brothers, and my brother's new girlfriend to see family that I hadn't seen in 5+ years. I was a little nervous about it, but it was a wonderful get together. My aunt made a whole spread of traditional Philippine foods, which were incredible, and she also made the best "that's what she said" joke that' I'll never remember. I tried out my little brother's longboard, which was pretty amusing. On the way home we listened to RadioLab and all geeked out about the incredible sunset together.



On Sunday I had a small pool party, which really just ended up being Dan, Cheryl, and me, but it was so much fun. I made lavender lemonade in my new giant mason jar dispenser. We grilled, we swam, we made s'mores, we played boggle, and it was the greatest.



I never want to forget this season of my life and all of things that have brought so much happiness to it. The Saturday morning friend breakfasts, Saturday afternoon band practices, Friday night bowling, Sunday pool parties, Tuesday night trivia, taking myself on solo dates, Friday afternoons at the coffee shop with my brother, Saturday night Catan club, photo adventures with my little brother, Dr. Mario competitions, Saturday night sleepovers on my brother's couch followed by Sunday morning hangouts, listening to podcasts on my commute to work, writing music with some of my best friends/favorite musicians, grilling potlucks, and just plain hanging out with the best people on the planet.



*all photos in this post were taken with my iPhone

The Seasons Have Changed From The Present To Past

This morning I had one of those grounding moments. 

It was the kind of moment when you realize that something, that has overwhelmed your thoughts and drained your energy for months on end, is finally no longer doing so. We are all faced with those situations that seem to grab hold of us and shake our foundations. We can either let them crumble or build them stronger, but either way, they are shaken. So the mending becomes a process of indefinite length. Sometimes this process seems never-ending, but we persist. Until, to our surprise, it's over as quickly as it began. This morning I finally felt that no longer was my particular situation happening to me, but rather it was something that had happened to me. I no longer feel consumed by a seemingly repetitive cycle of thought. It just is. I just am. I feel at peace with this struggle. I feel at peace with the idea of struggle in general. It seems like a simple concept, but just getting to the place of realizing that there will always be struggle throughout this journey, makes me feel prepared for future encounters. It is also important to note that although we will never have power over the actions of others, we will always have power over our mindset. We control our own perception, actions, and reactions, and just knowing that is a huge comfort to me. 

It is so easy for us to default to looking back at the past or toward the future to "find happiness". For a long time, I always thought that it was something you had to find, and now I realize that it's something you must create. The whole idea that happiness is not a destination, but a way of travel, has given me a lot of pause lately. Until recently, I was the biggest offender of trying to pursue happiness. It always felt just out of reach. I thought that if I just finished school, or if I just got a new job, or if I just moved to a different state, etc., that then I could start living the way I had always hoped, and then I would reach this ultimate fulfillment. Even writing this now, it seems like such a strange concept. I think as humans, we have a hard time focusing on the present. It's understandable. The future holds the unknown. It is exciting. It is scary. It is forgiving. It is anything we want it to be. The present is an acquired taste. It takes a while to decide that, "Hey, it's not so bad" and, "maybe I'll get that next time", but really the present is the best tasting thing that life offers (just not everyone realizes it). The future is an old favorite. It's the flavor you order because you know you like it, so why would you get anything else? I think the past is more one of those things on the menu that if it's gone, you're definitely not going to get anything else in place of it. That's the only one you like. It's so familiar, predictable, preserved. This is a strange analogy, but it definitely makes sense to me, and it's nice to think about as ice cream flavors or something. 

Anyway, for me, I've been trying to focus on the present. It's always easier to go back to that familiar future focus, but I've been pushing myself to find the beauty in the here and now. That's all we have anyway, so why not dive in? The trick is that the beauty is always there, but sometimes you have to use all your energy to seek it out, and other times it is undeniably surrounding you. Sometimes we get so used to it staring us in the face, that we forget we must make an effort to find it when it's not. Personally, I've adjusted my way of thinking from, "When I'm out of school I'll have so much fun" to, "this weekend is going to make this entire week awesome". Instead of looking four months out, I'm only looking four days ahead. I still have a ways to go, but I'm making progress. It's a constant perspective shift, and I often find myself slowing down and reevaluating.

I am striving for gratitude. 

Gratitude for this world, and this day, and this moment, and my reality, and my friends, and my family, and myself, and my talents, and the talents of my friends and family, and my body, and my senses, and my feelings, and the ability to work toward what I want for myself. I will never stop reaching for it, and as long as I don't lose focus, that is what matters.

*This actually happened on February 3rd, after a grounding talk with my brother Ben. I've been having a lot of conversations with my family lately, that have brought me a greater sense of clarity, and for them I am thankful.

**All photos taken by me in 2010 and 2011. All quotes from the book I'm currently reading: Attitudes of Gratitude by M.J. Ryan.

Come Down From The Mountain, You Have Been Gone Too Long

My vacation to Colorado a couple weeks ago was the perfect change of scenery. It was really more than I could have hoped for. It was a full circle journey that gave me the recharge I needed to welcome 2013 with open arms and a fresh perspective.

I'll start off with some background information on my Colorado connection: After going to high school (in Upstate New York), I went immediately out to college in Colorado. I only looked at schools out there, and after visiting my grandparents there every summer, it seemed like the logical choice. I knew I loved Colorado, but wasn't prepared for the side effects of a swift move across the country from my family, and across the state from my grandparents.

To put it bluntly: it was really isolating, and I was painfully shy, which is not the best combination. I had a hard time meeting people, was trying to maintain a doomed long-distance relationship with my high school boyfriend, and was dealing with a major case of depression. I was not a partier and felt really uncomfortable at typical rowdy college parties, which seemed to be the only thing anyone wanted to do. I felt out of place everywhere I tried to be social, and got my first taste of what it's like to have an awful roommate. At the first sign of the weekend I was off, driving 6 hours to see my boyfriend who was so busy establishing his new life as a ski bum/lift op, that he became increasingly disinterested in spending his time with me. I was too blinded by my situation and low self-esteem to realize how he/we had changed. At least I had enough self-respect to give him an ultimatum as to whether he wanted to be with me or not. So, that was that. I went through my first break-up, and after a couple weeks into my second semester, decided to call it quits at Fort Lewis and move back home. I was at a low point in my life. I felt like a failure, and I never considered myself done with Colorado. I still loved it, and even after I left, I had convinced myself I would return in the Fall. Of course I didn't, but I never felt like I had closed the door that I rushed through four years ago. 

Returning to this beautiful state, that I think of as home, really allowed me to finally feel a sense of closure and self-improvement. I've realized that I've made huge strides from the clueless, shy, naive 18 year old girl that I was when I lived there. It all hit me when I went to visit a friend, that I made when I was fifteen, who recently moved out there. I took a drive down from the mountains to Silverthorne, and realize as soon as I got off I-70, that this was the town that I frequented often when I would drive away for the weekend. I immediately recognized where I was and found my way to the Natural Grocers store where I had my first kombucha. This may sound strange, but once I parked I was overcome with emotion and nearly cried, right there, in the Natural Grocers parking lot. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I had always associated bad memories with my few short months in Colorful Colorado. Yet I knew where I was going without looking it up, which confirmed that this beautiful state is my home, and here I was recalling a nice memory from an extremely rough time in my life, and in that moment I started to realize my growth since I moved away.

After getting a kombucha, I met my sweet friend Mark for coffee drinks and a walk along a frozen lake, accompanied by a beautiful sunset. 

We talked about happiness and our growth as people, and how far we've come since our low points, and it was really nice. It's refreshing to be able to have a candid, heartfelt conversation with someone who is open-minded and willing to listen. Someone you don't feel at all silly/self-concious around when speaking your inner truth. Having this conversation really made me see my personal development with clear eyes. In these situations we can't help but recognize the progress we've made as people. I have improved in countless ways since I last visited this place, that even I can hardly recognize myself.

I am now aware of what makes me tick.

I know what I love. I know what I want to sink all of my free time into. I know that I still don't like rowdy college parties, but rather more intimate get togethers with close friends and good conversation. I know what kind of people I want to surround myself with. I know what kind of partner I deserve. I know how to open up to my friends and family. I am more self-confident. I am more positive. I am more happy. I know how to recognize when I'm not, and I know what I can do to come out of it. I am working on becoming less closed off from people. Blogging honestly and writing music have been a means to being a more open person, and more willing to share the things that are important to me. I am no longer running from struggle. Instead I am facing it head on and growing in spite of it. This has been the thing that has saved me and set me free. This new mindset and perspective has helped me feel at peace, not only at this moment, but about the past, and looking toward the future.

I am changing. I am learning. I am growing. 

And most importantly: 

My excitement for endeavors and exploration has become so loud, I can hardly hear my fears.

How Strange It Is To Be Anything At All

Sunday I spent all day traveling from New York to Colorado for a little vacation and change of scenery. It was a beautifully sunny day, everything went smoothly, I started reading this book (Further Along The Road Less Traveled) and it helped me feel really in tune with myself and this incredible world. I wrote the following while I was in en route in the sky.  

It's amazing that I've been in a plane most of the day, but I feel more grounded in the sky, surrounded by strangers, than I did on land. There's something about staring out a plane window, and watching the people and the cities that surround them become smaller by the second. I keep watching the cars, and can't help but think of them being filled with different people, each on a separate mission, unaware of each other's goals/struggles/missions. Pretty soon I scan the narrow road lines for cars, and they're no longer visible. I can now see which way the wind blows across the fields, and the farms that belong to those fields, only indicated by darker smears, going all in the same direction. I see long, moving shadows that belong to windmills in a row. Pretty soon I can no longer see the farms, or the windmills. The earth becomes a patchwork quilt, covered in veins, puckered up where the land rises. 

I feel very small and truly humbled by this world, this life. I feel a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a long time. I feel overwhelmed by how wonderful everything is in my life at this very moment. I've actually been teary-eyed for the last ten minutes on a plane. Teary-eyed in the best way possible, where it's difficult to feel embarrassed over the somewhat public display of emotion. I guess they would best be described as tears of gratitude, which are absolutely the best kind. I am just stunned at the personal epiphanies and spiritual growth I've made this year. I chose to let this season of my life strengthen me rather than letting it destroy me. This year has been full of learning, healing, and joy. I am so grateful for the family that I was born into and the friends I've made along this curious, challenging, incredible journey. I feel so lucky to be a part of their lives and elated that they are in mine. It makes me so proud to see all of the things that these talented people have made and shared. It makes my heart happy to feel such encouragement from people that I so greatly admire. 

2012 has brought sobering struggles, beautiful friendships, and an enormous spiritual awakening. I am so looking forward to this new year with new endeavors, continuing friendships, embracing family, and finding happiness in each new day that the universe grants me. 

So long 2012, you were difficult but forced me to grow, and in your own strange way, you were a good one.

Keep The Wind At Your Back, And The Sun On Your Face

The past few months have been a whirlwind of events and emotions.

I've been thinking about how to write this post for a while. I'm not one for getting really personal on the internet (or in my real life), but I feel like it's something I need to do and I think I'm finally ready.

So, here it goes...

I was blindsided by a breakup mid-September, and the dust is just finally starting to settle. It's hard to describe all of the feelings that go along with receiving that news. It was not mutual, and was full of vague explanation, hurt, and dishonesty. I'm not going to get into it, but it was very unpleasant to say the least. 

This means that I had a hasty move back home, and am now living with my dad and stepmom. It also means I was on the verge of quitting school, but got reeled back in from that slippery slope by my sweet dad. Basically, completely uprooting and removing all sense of comfort/normalcy from my life.

My purpose of this post is by no means to gripe about all of the things that have gone wrong in my life, but rather express gratitude toward all of the wonderful things that have come from this unfortunate situation. 

First and foremost: the tremendous love and support I have gotten from my friends and family. 

Without even having to ask, everyone rushed to be by my side. They were there to: help me pack and move, listen, call to check on me, drive me to school, bring me snacks, make a space for me in their home, invite me to hang out, text me encouraging thoughts, let me cry, make me food, talk on the phone, let me crash on their couch, and make me feel loved. I can't even begin to thank them for everything and am eternally grateful. I have so much love for all the wonderful people in my life.

I have never been the type of person to completely open up to my friends (or anyone else for that matter), but this situation forced me to do just that. What a revelation. The more I opened up to people and let them know I was having a tough time, the more responsive everyone was. I forget that sometimes. People are always willing to help, but you have to be willing to ask.

Second: shifting my focus toward the positive. 

One of my biggest downfalls was how pessimistic I could get. Since everything has happened, I've made a huge effort to focus on simple joys. I have the decision - every minute. I can either get caught up in everything that's going wrong, or I can make the conscious effort to find happiness throughout the day. I'm proud to say that I am keeping on the sunny side. It's a constant choice, and while I admit some days it's more of a struggle than others, I have been keeping the wind at my back more often than not. It will always need constant attention, but I'm so ready to make this change. I've already taken strides to letting the happy person inside of me come out. I've started keeping a positivity journal, which has been really, really great. I've been making an effort to wear outfits and listen to records that make me feel good, and I've also found a lot of inspirational quotes on Pinterest. I'm trying, like I've never tried at anything, to be the best me I can be. It has really been life changing.

Third: realizing the strength within me.

It was surreal. Once I discovered the truth and finally stopped relentlessly blaming myself for everything, I had something just click in my brain. A switch that was there all along, and finally got triggered. All the sudden I became this woman who knew exactly what to say, how to be treated, and was filled with clarity and self-respect like I had never known. I realize that I haven't deserved the things that I've had to go through, but I've been facing them head-on, and am becoming better for it. It's like I've been wading through this swamp, which is just the shittiest swamp, but I've learned to appreciate the beauty in it anyway, and once I reach the other side I will be everything that I'm trying to be. 

Fourth: being inspired to create.

I had written a few songs over the years, but it would always take me so long to finish anything. Lately I've been cranking out the ideas. It's proved to be a wonderful coping mechanism. I've had a lot of encouragement from my brother, who has also started teaching me to play guitar. It's been a lot of fun. With this new found me, I'm ready to stop being such a chicken and actually share my music with the internet as soon as it's finished and recorded. I went to see Sharon Van Etten play in Buffalo last weekend and it was exactly what I needed. She is just incredible and a huge inspiration. Yesterday I started to get back into the swing of my photography, which feels great after an unexpected hiatus. I also knit a hat with encouragement from my grandma, with plans to start a new knitting project soon. Having creative endeavors to fall into is always so wonderful.

In short, I have so much to be thankful for right now it's unbelievable.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me along this journey.

Make A Point Of Having Fun, It'll Help You Get Through Life

On Friday, I baked oatmeal cookies.

I never really have a strong desire to bake, so I don't do it very often. I had just gotten home from working the whole day, and woke up from a short nap with the urge to bake.

I was craving my grandma's cookies the week before, and my grandma only really bakes one thing, and that is oatmeal craisin & white chocolate chip cookies. So that's what it had to be.

I went in search of a recipe for oatmeal cookies and found this recipe on Smitten Kitchen and just substituted raisins for craisins, walnuts for white chocolate chips, and doubled it. I have to say they turned out great!

The one thing I'm terrible at, whether I'm cooking or baking, is deciding when it is time to take something out of the oven. Luckily my friend Justin was there to give me a second opinion!

I'll definitely be making them again, which I'm sure Ben will be happy to hear.

We also had a potluck and house show at our house that night, so we grilled, drank gin & tonics, and listened to sweet music. It was a pretty swell night.

I ended up baking half of the cookies that night for the show-goers, and the other half went to our moms on Easter. I was just glad to get the majority of them out of our apartment (I'm terrible around sweets).

I got this new cardigan on clearance and I look like I'm ready for fall! I really love it though, plus I was just ready to have a comfy, relaxing night.

Cardigan: Forever 21

T-Shirt: My boyfriend's old band (I used to go see them in high school long before we dated)

Mustard Cut-Offs: Delias pants, altered by me

Headband: Urban Outfitters

Glasses: Warby Parker

Moccasins: Target

You Fell In Love With The Sunshine

Lately my days have all looked a lot like this.

We've been having insane March weather this week. It's incredible and a little sad at the same time.

I absolutely love transitional seasons. I'm all about Spring and Autumn. Sure, the air smells sweet like Spring, but it feels a little too much like Summer. I just don't want Spring to pass on by without making a proper appearance - that's all. It's really hard to complain though, because I've been dreaming about warm weather for a while now.

Anyway, this week has been beautiful and wonderful. 

Last week was my Spring Break, but it didn't feel like much of one as I was on tour the whole time (which was fun, but entirely exhausting).

That being said I decided that I was going to sort of make my own Spring Break out of this gorgeous week. I mean, you can't expect a girl to stay inside and stay focused when it's sunny, warm, and everything's blooming, right?!

Well, I've really made the best of the week so far! How, you ask?! I've just gotten really good at ignoring all of the school stuff that usually stresses me out. I mean, sometimes you just need a good mental health day...er...um...week.

Here are the things that have made this week so great:

I treated myself to an apple-dominated lunch to make my Monday happier.

I met up with my pal Larkin and we went for a walk to the park and went on the swings.

I've spent the last three days laying on a quilt under the shade of a tree, near a log cabin, with a soft breeze blowing. For hours on end. It makes the time that I spend at school waiting for my next class so relaxing.

I also read the most wonderful comic: Asterios Polyp. I highly recommend it. Everything about it is incredible: the story, characters and the artwork. Plus, I definitely related to Hana, the main female character quite a bit.

During these lazy Spring adventures I indulged in a few of these French Toast Bagels, which I just discovered. They taste exactly how you think they would taste, and they're amazing.

Today I also had a picnic for one.

I really wish my Ben could have been with me with all my downtime at school, but it was really nice to have some much-needed time alone too. 

It's pretty incredible when the hardest part of your afternoon is finally deciding to stand up, put your shoes on, and go get lunch after lying on a blanket in the grass for two hours.

Ben and I also grilled in the dark with our good friends/downstairs neighbors Nick & Cheryl!

We also scored this really cute love seat on the curb near our house and it's the perfect final touch to my workspace. I love it. I'm looking forward to sunny, summer naps here soon. 

And this is how my day looks right about now meow. 

My week has really been just a blur of pastel blues and pinks as you can see. Oh, and sorry for the mass amounts of instagrams. I really just can't stop lately. I hope that's okay with you guys.

- Hannah