Friday, November 16, 2012

Keep The Wind At Your Back, And The Sun On Your Face

The past few months have been a whirlwind of events and emotions.

I've been thinking about how to write this post for a while. I'm not one for getting really personal on the internet (or in my real life), but I feel like it's something I need to do and I think I'm finally ready.

So, here it goes...
I was blindsided by a breakup mid-September, and the dust is just finally starting to settle. It's hard to describe all of the feelings that go along with receiving that news. It was not mutual, and was full of vague explanation, hurt, and dishonesty. I'm not going to get into it, but it was very unpleasant to say the least. 

This means that I had a hasty move back home, and am now living with my dad and stepmom. It also means I was on the verge of quitting school, but got reeled back in from that slippery slope by my sweet dad. Basically, completely uprooting and removing all sense of comfort/normalcy from my life.

My purpose of this post is by no means to gripe about all of the things that have gone wrong in my life, but rather express gratitude toward all of the wonderful things that have come from this unfortunate situation. 
First and foremost: the tremendous love and support I have gotten from my friends and family. 

Without even having to ask, everyone rushed to be by my side. They were there to: help me pack and move, listen, call to check on me, drive me to school, bring me snacks, make a space for me in their home, invite me to hang out, text me encouraging thoughts, let me cry, make me food, talk on the phone, let me crash on their couch, and make me feel loved. I can't even begin to thank them for everything and am eternally grateful. I have so much love for all the wonderful people in my life.

I have never been the type of person to completely open up to my friends (or anyone else for that matter), but this situation forced me to do just that. What a revelation. The more I opened up to people and let them know I was having a tough time, the more responsive everyone was. I forget that sometimes. People are always willing to help, but you have to be willing to ask.
Second: shifting my focus toward the positive. 

One of my biggest downfalls was how pessimistic I could get. Since everything has happened, I've made a huge effort to focus on simple joys. I have the decision - every minute. I can either get caught up in everything that's going wrong, or I can make the conscious effort to find happiness throughout the day. I'm proud to say that I am keeping on the sunny side. It's a constant choice, and while I admit some days it's more of a struggle than others, I have been keeping the wind at my back more often than not. It will always need constant attention, but I'm so ready to make this change. I've already taken strides to letting the happy person inside of me come out. I've started keeping a positivity journal, which has been really, really great. I've been making an effort to wear outfits and listen to records that make me feel good, and I've also found a lot of inspirational quotes on Pinterest. I'm trying, like I've never tried at anything, to be the best me I can be. It has really been life changing.
Third: realizing the strength within me.

It was surreal. Once I discovered the truth and finally stopped relentlessly blaming myself for everything, I had something just click in my brain. A switch that was there all along, and finally got triggered. All the sudden I became this woman who knew exactly what to say, how to be treated, and was filled with clarity and self-respect like I had never known. I realize that I haven't deserved the things that I've had to go through, but I've been facing them head-on, and am becoming better for it. It's like I've been wading through this swamp, which is just the shittiest swamp, but I've learned to appreciate the beauty in it anyway, and once I reach the other side I will be everything that I'm trying to be. 
Fourth: being inspired to create.

I had written a few songs over the years, but it would always take me so long to finish anything. Lately I've been cranking out the ideas. It's proved to be a wonderful coping mechanism. I've had a lot of encouragement from my brother, who has also started teaching me to play guitar. It's been a lot of fun. With this new found me, I'm ready to stop being such a chicken and actually share my music with the internet as soon as it's finished and recorded. I went to see Sharon Van Etten play in Buffalo last weekend and it was exactly what I needed. She is just incredible and a huge inspiration. Yesterday I started to get back into the swing of my photography, which feels great after an unexpected hiatus. I also knit a hat with encouragement from my grandma, with plans to start a new knitting project soon. Having creative endeavors to fall into is always so wonderful.
In short, I have so much to be thankful for right now it's unbelievable.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me along this journey.

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